Back by Popular Demand

After a small, 4-month hiatus I’ve decided to return to The Birdcage in an effort to be less angry and more lovey. Plus, there’s one person who daily checks to see if I’ve posted anything and I hate to disappoint my fan.

It’s also possible that I forgot my username and password and have been locked out of my own birdcage for some time now.

But I refuse to admit it.

AHEM.

So, to begin I thought I would share this small exchange with you. By the end of the conversation, you too will agree: I am a jerk.

Please note: names and places of employment have been altered/removed to protect the anonymity of others. Besides, once “Coworker” realizes that I’ve shared this with the world, she will be thankful that I’ve done so.

Coworker | 1:41 PM
I’m golfing Wed with my rep from New York, my director and my manager. I wanted to look good so I went shopping which reminds me, here’s a capri story.

Tasha | 1:41 PM
Excellent.

Coworker | 1:42 PM
I bought a $50 pair (of capris) from Ricki’s clothing store, and wore them twice and will return them. The waist band stretches out too much.

Tasha | 1:42 PM
Wow. Good story. Short, but insightful and really engaging. I felt captivated the whole time I read it.

Coworker | 1:42 PM
I’m not done yet.

Tasha | 1:42 PM
Oh.

Coworker | 1:42 PM
I was taking a breath.

Tasha | 1:42 PM
OMG. I am so sorry. Please, continue.

Coworker | 1:43 PM
Yesterday I bought a pair from Walmart for…wait for it….$12. Yep, and they are far superior in fit.

Tasha | 1:43 PM
Wow! Great ending. Worth the wait for sure. Total cliffhanger.

Coworker | 1:43 PM
I wasn’t done.

Tasha | 1:43 PM
Oh. OMG. I’m awful. Please, PLEASE continue.

Coworker | 1:43 PM
You’re not a very good IM listener.

Tasha | 1:43 PM
You’re right. It’s just that i’m sitting here on the edge of my seat waiting to hear ALL about your capri story.

Coworker | 1:43 PM
You’re a jerk.

I Vow to Hate Valentine’s Day and Movies called The Vow

It’s lover’s day, lovers and personally, I can’t stand this particular “holiday”. It’s awful. It always makes me think that people all over the Western world are saying, “I love you, baby. But just on this one day. And here’s a usually-cheap-but-now-crazy-expensive-cuz-it’s-Valentine’s-day present I remembered to pick up as I got gas on my way home from work.”

What I hate most about Valentine’s Day? Cinnamon hearts. AND the fact that husbands, wives, girlfriends, and boyfriends everywhere are going to be DRAGGED to this monstrosity:

Have you heard about this movie starring that chiseled man-robot Channing Tatum and the annoying Rachel McAdams? Every time I see a preview for it on TV, my clit climbs up inside me searching for a way to stab me in the heart so that I can be put out of my misery.

It fails every time, by the way.

First off, did you know it’s “inspired by true events”? Yes, just as I’m often inspired to drink heavily and shout obscenities at the screen every time I see a Katherine Heigl movie about “empowering” women.

If you have not heard of it, allow me to give you a quick synopsis:

<Editor’s note: I have not seen this movie. I’d rather eat burning hair straight out of a dirty diaper than suffer through it.>

Man-robot meets and marries woman.
Woman is in horrible, memory-erasing accident and and forgets about man-robot.
Man-robot spends the movie doing robotic things via awful, awful acting that men or women never do for women to win them back.
He wins her back.
The end.

Wait.
I was supposed to write “spoiler alert”. Just in case I spoiled it for you like you might not have any idea how it could possibly end.

Yes. There is a black spot inside my chest where my heart should be. I usually fill it with gin. Happy lover’s day, lovers. Although, in my gin-filled hole, every day is lover’s day when I think of each of you.

A lesson in old

Legend: Nick – Tasha’s 14 year old brother; Alex – Tasha’s 12 year old nephew.

Nick: Tasha can we listen to something else on the radio? I hate today’s music.

Tasha: What? “Today’s” music?

Alex: Yea. Me too. Today’s music is awful. That’s why I listen to old music.

Nick: I know. I listen to the old stuff like Tupac, Biggie…

Alex: And Eminem’s early stuff…

Nick: And Mase…and Puff Daddy before he was whatever he’s called now.

Alex: I love all the old rap from the ’90s. Rappers today suck. And all techno music should go away to somewhere that no one can ever find it again.

Tasha: The old stuff from the ’90s? Seriously? I was listening to all that when I was your age.

Nick: We know. 

Alex: Because you’re old too. Like the ’90s.

Nick: And the rap we listen to. Old.

Tasha: <sigh>Damn kids.

Blang. Blang.

I seen you.

Lovers, never underestimate the power of the clearance rack at a Macy’s store. I can’t decide if their target market is rich old ladies or gangsta rappers. Either case, this baby is now a part of my wardrobe. All I need now is a pimp stick and some Ben Gay.

Everyone’s a writer

I always joke that everyone thinks they’re a writer. Especially people who ask me for stuff and then want me to change it all because they’d really like to see their name in there somewhere and could I possibly use the name of their brand 135 times in my 400-character descriptions for SEO purposes??

Yea.

In any case, these keep popping up in my neighborhood and I think they’re cute so I thought I’d share. Enjoy your day, lovers. In fact you should enjoy every day. Life is too short.

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New Year. New Complaints.

Helloooooo lovers. It has been a long time since I last spoke to you. Too long, some might lament. Far too long. And it’s not simply because I don’t love you, I’ve just been busy.

Busy hatin’.

Turns out blogging takes up a lot of time and since it’s really only something I do at work (just kidding, HR! Kiss, kiss!), I will make more time for it now that I’ve been cloned and my accomplice has been designed to do all of my work-related bidding.

Today’s complaint: Katherine Heigl.

I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime in between my shooting forth from my mother’s husband-hole into the arms of the doctor and that silly Grey’s Anatomy show , Katherine Heigl got really popular. And I don’t understand why. Her crappy movies are all the same! Ahem…

Katherine Heigl: I am a strong, independent woman who works a really good job, and I don’t need a man to complete me.

Annoying man: I am a man. I do REALLY annoying man things that Katherine Heigl hates.

KH: I hate you, annoying man.

AM: I also find you annoying, Katherine Heigl but I will do everything imaginable to ensure that our paths cross in totally predictable situations – like get you pregnant after a one-night stand or be a popular douchbag on your TV show or use your day planner that I found in a cab we shared and be there every time you bitch and moan about owning 27 bridesmaid dresses.

Editor’s note: it should be indicated at this point that my knowing any of the above is because I was FORCED to watch these movies. F!O!R!C!E!D!

KH: I still hate you, annoying man but I am slowly falling in love with you despite hating your annoying, but loveable charms…and McDreamy blue eyes.

AM: I love you too, KH.

KH: You do?

AM: I do.

KH: Me too! It took some time and about 90 minutes of non-hilarious scenes to make me see that you really have a heart of gold even if it is wrapped in a plastic douchebag. As a result, I will quit my high-paying woman-empowered job so that I may spend my days lowering my IQ so that we can be together forever. Finally, I am complete!

End story.
Also, end complaint. Except to say that I despise Katherine Heigl movies. All of them.

Happy 2012, lovebeans.

How to Buy Wine, Racist

Tasha: So I’m at the liquor store. I’m about to buy a bottle of wine simply because it has “negro” in the title. Must be for black people, ya?

Tasha’s sister: Obviously. What’s it called? El wino negro? Lol. You know, the black wino, which is what I think you are.

Tasha: Don’t be an idiot. It’s called, “Bitches ain’t shit but ho’s and tricks, negro.” I think it might be from the ’90s vintage Dr Dre collection.

Tasha’s sister: Wow. That’s awfully specific.

Tasha: I know. I only buy the best. I wonder if it tastes like fried chicken.

Tasha’s sister: Ok. Now I know you’re drunk.